


Brooklyn Nine Nine Drabbles

by Diaphenia



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Drabble Collection, F/F, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-01-24 10:37:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 4,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diaphenia/pseuds/Diaphenia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of B99 drabbles, reposted in one place.</p><p>Most recent: <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/5556647">balloons</a>, Gina's birthday</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Index

[Hate!sex](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3409202)

[Pawnee](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3409235)

[En pointe](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3409505)

[1970s](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3409307)

[Stakeout](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3409376) 

[Fragile](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3409271)

[Sex List (Doilies)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3409409)

[Ring Toss](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3409436)

[Whipped Cream](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3409466)

[Baby, Baby](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3409559)

[Apples](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3409631) 

[Coffee](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3409727) 

[Breakfast](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3409802)

[Spin the Bottle](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3935560)

[DC](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/3935578)

[Seeing Red](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/4954869)

[balloons](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1601873/chapters/5556647)


	2. Hate!sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ballroompink requested a couple who would have hate!sex, and I picked Jake/Amy. Originally posted [Here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/63830379138/) on October 12, 2013.

She’s sort of attracted him despite the way he’s an idiot, the way he hasn’t had to work hard the way she has, the way everything just  _comes_  to him while she works hard after-hours, does all her paperwork right, and has to overcome all the stupid stereotypes about gender just to prove herself. She works so  _damn_  hard, and he   _shows up_  and solves stuff and leaves her with the paperwork just as often as not, and she’s just really tired of him. But she also hasn’t been on a date in ages, because she’s really dating her job, and this might be her only chance to get laid this month, and she’s a little drunk and so is he, which is why he keeps touching her neck, and she’s liking it, and whatever, as long as no one finds out, she’s going to do this, to finally do this like she sometimes thinks about at night, the one thing she’d never tell anyone she thinks about. And afterwards, when he curls to her side and touches her cheek and tells her he always liked her, actually, and really admires the way she works hard, she’s going to make damn sure she forgets that part. 


	3. Pawnee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stillscape wanted a B99/Parks and Rec crossover. Originally posted [here](http://saucydiva.livejournal.com/46638.html?thread=1410862#t1410862/) on October 26, 2013

Peralta stabbed his waffles thoughtfully. "I swear that dude reminded me of someone."  
  
Amy put down her hoagie. "Who, Ron?"  
  
"Nah, I mean that guy Larry."  
  
Amy remembered Larry; he had spilled coffee all over her pants, and his own pants. She hadn't packed enough pants for this trip if she was going to have to sacrifice a pair every day. "Beats me. Seems pretty useless, though."  
  
"Doesn’t matter, I know who our culprit is. And he ( _or she_ ) but it was  _he_  was right in front of us the whole time."  
  
“Oh, do tell, this should be good,” she said with an eyeroll.   
  
“Let me just dial the chief,” Peralta said, putting on the speakerphone.   
  
The chief’s voice was tin-y over the phone.  _”Can this wait? I’m in the middle of some important—”_  
  
“Nope. Listen up. We’ve been looking at this entirely wrong. We assumed our guy was on the inside, actually working for the department, but what if that’s our problem? What if the guy we’re looking for isn’t actually part of the Parks department?”  
  
“Can you not stand in the middle of the diner?  _Sit_.”  
  
He sat. “You saw how nervous and weird that Ben Wyatt got around us.”  
  
She twisted her napkin, remembering Wyatt’s insistence that he always donated to the fallen cops fund.   
  
“And why is he even here? He’s not part of the government. He has another job, and yet every time we went there, there he was, watching us like a hawk.”  
  
“ _Enough with the cliches, Peralta_ ”  
  
“Watching us like a guy who was a little  _too_  interested in our case. He’s our guy. He’s the one.”


	4. En pointe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Partyscientist requested Charles&Rosa. Originally posted [here](http://saucydiva.livejournal.com/46638.html?thread=1424686#t1424686/) on October 27, 2013

"Would you put this as better or worse than a dead body?" Boyle asked, feeling a little queasy despite himself.   
  
Rosa squinted as she looked down. "Hmm. Worse. Dead body— you know what's up. Death. Probably murder. Maybe suicide."  
  
"True. Very true."  
  
"But this is a severed toe. It could literally be anything. Murder. Suicide—"  
  
"Suicide?"  
  
"An accident during a crime where the perp realized he had to make himself scarce fast."  
  
"I've never heard of a suicide that included—"  
  
She glared. "Point is, it could be anything."  
  
"It could even be some killer ballerina getting revenge on her peers," Doyle said, smiling for her approval.  
  
She shoved him against a wall so fast he didn't have time to defend himself. "I didn't say it could be that."


	5. 1970s

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stillscape requested a Jake/Amy fic set in the 1970s. Originally posted [here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/67290383933/peralta-santiago-1970s-au/) on November 17th, 2013

"Look, I’m not doing my paperwork, that’s why we have secretaries," Jake said, sipping his whiskey straight from the bottle. Dealing with this broad drove him to drink before 10am daily.

"I’m not a  _secretary_ , I’m an  _assistant,”_ Amy said, frowning at him. “And you’re supposed to do your own work.” 

"You dress like my mother, that’s the problem."

"No, the problem is that I’d be a good detective if only they’d let me," she grumbled like some disgruntled woman’s liber. 

"Like they’ll ever let women into this department. The guns might ruin your nail polish," he smirked. Crazy ideas, this one. Oh sure, there were lady cops elsewhere, but not in the 99. On top of being female, she was also from Mexico or something, and that just wasn’t going to happen.

"If I were, though, I’d be as good a detective as you," she said, storming out, her heals clicking down the hall at an angry clip. 

Jake just laughed. 


	6. Stakeout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blithers requested _Amy+Jake in a car, during a storm in the middle of the night, on a stakeout_. Originally posted [here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/67293984677/b99-amy-jake-in-a-car-during-a-storm-in-the-middle-of/) on November 17th, 2013.

"Well, we can’t see anything," Jake said, trying to peer through the sheets of water hitting the car. 

"I’ll radio in and see if they want us to come back." Santiago said. A moment later, she realized what Jake already knew— the power was probably out at the station. 

"We can’t drive in this," he said. 

"What’re we supposed to do in the meantime? We can’t just stay here."

"It’s a stakeout, we can’t leave. And besides, it’ll clear up soon."

It not only didn’t clear up, it got worse. But they still couldn’t move because it would blow their cover, and no one, not even Charles, was answering their phone at the 99. 

"Truth or Dare," he asked. 

"Neither."

"Come on, what else are we going to do?"

Santiago sighed, but eventually said, “Truth.”

"Of course. If you could kiss any one of your coworkers, who would it be?" he asked, twisting his head around to watch her answer. "Is it Diaz? Because you could talk about it, preferably in great detail."

"No! I’m straight and she’s terrifying. Besides, she has a boyfriend… I think."

"Why do you get to know that? I want to know that."

"Do you mean  _kiss_  like  _on the cheek_?” she asked, stalling. 

"Nah, I mean the whole nine yards. With tongue, like an adult, with another adult."

"I don’t know…. I guess…. if I had to pick someone—"

"You do."

"Maybe Charles? I guess?"

Jake felt taken back, all the way back, possibly in some sort of time machine that would take him back to two minutes ago, before he heard that. “Are you kidding?”

"Well, he’s an adult, and he’s single, and he’s kind, so. I pick him."

"Really? He’s the best option?" Jake leaned in close to her, tracing her jawline with his finger. "Can’t think of anyone better?"

"Nope," she said. But then— she looked at his lips. He caught her, and therefore she clearly really would pick him. 

"Ok, you and Charles," he said, letting her think he believed her. 


	7. Fragile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An anon requested Jake/Amy, first kiss. Originally posted [here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/69562740124/can-you-write-a-ficlet-drabble-about-jake-and-amy/) on December 9, 2013

"Seeing Charles get shot has made me realize some things," Amy said, grabbing Jake’s arm before he got in the elevator with the rest of their team. The doors shut, and Jake pressed the button again. 

"That the word  _butt_ is always hilarious?” Jake asked. “Because he was shot in his—”

"I know. You brought it up about fourteen times in there."

"I’m just proud my friend’s a hero," he said, suddenly serious. "That takes some guts, to take a bullet for someone."

"Life is so fragile." She suddenly had to focus very hard on her shoes. "You realize we could die at any moment?"

"That’d be true if we were accountants or bartenders or if we were in a band together, I’m thinking Beastie Boys-esque, with me as the lead singer of course. You’d be the drummer."

She was pleased he hadn’t made her the manager, or worse yet, the roadie. Still, though— “Most accountants don’t get shot at.”

"That’s the excitement. Just us against the scum of the earth," he said as the elevator door flipped open. She grabbed his hand again, and the doors shut again. He gave her a look, then pressed the elevator button again. 

"I just think we should acknowledge that our time on earth may be limited due to our professional choices." She bit her lip a little out of nerves. 

"And I think thinking about death is creepy and weird and not particularly helpful anyway."

"I’m not thinking about death," she said. "I’m thinking about  _living,_ for once.” She grabbed his tie and pulled him closer.

"Oh.  _Oh_.”

"I think we should take this opportunity to—" But she couldn’t finish her sentence, because he lowered his mouth to hers. He tasted like fruit loops and smelled like a leather jacket, and she realized that there was a small part of her that always knew this would happen. 

When the elevator opened the a moment later, she pulled him in with her, hoping the door stayed shut the whole way down. 


	8. Sex List (Doilies)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyrieanne requested _Jake. Amy. Amy's Sex To Do List (you know she has one). Doilies._. Originally posted [here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/72990768221/jake-amy-amys-sex-to-do-list-you-know-she-has-one/) on January 11, 2014

1\. Jake’s not really surprised Amy has a list, because of course she does, and of course it’s comprehensive and detailed and he stopped reading it about halfway through. He’s pretty sure most of the stuff on it is impossible anyway, ganked from those romance novels she thinks no one knows she reads. He doesn’t understand it; their first time together was pretty baller without a list, so why she’s pulling this out is beyond him. They don’t need instructions or costumes or handcuffs— well, maybe the handcuffs. 

2\. She pulls out a vibrator, because she’s got statistics on how many women can’t orgasm without one, and she sets in on a doily on her dresser, because that’s a thing apparently. He’s determined not to use it; god knows he’s better than a cheap hunk of silver plastic (“Audrey,” she tells him, and it’s all he can do not to laugh.) He pulls out all the stops, doing all the stuff he used to think about doing to her back when she was just his stuck-up know-it-all coworker, and then when she was his know-it-all friend. 

When he finally collapses next to her, completely exhausted and personally unsatisfied, she grabs the vibrator and crawls on top of him.

"It’s still you, just enhanced," she says. 

It’s still pretty hot anyway.

3\. Afterwards, she discretely checks things off on the list when she thinks he’s not looking. She never thinks he’s looking, doesn’t realize how much time he devotes to watching her out of the corner of his eye. She’s flushed and a little sweaty, already back into her clothes because she’s the only chick he’s ever known to think cuddling is time wasted. She’s beautiful. 

He realizes he’s going to have to read the whole list.


	9. Ring Toss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An anon requested Jake/Amy following "The Bet." Originally posted [here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/73410503435/can-you-write-a-jake-and-amy-fic-drabble-i-really-need/) on January 15, 2014.

They start calling them “ring tosses.” 

It turns out that even the hardened criminals of the nine nine are weirdly invested in the relationships of cops pretending to be a couple. Jake and Amy have a fake fight almost monthly, and she throws the ring while yelling in her totally sweet fake Brooklyn accent, and the criminals are usually so disarmed by their fight that arresting them is pretty easy. 

The best one is actually next to the Brooklyn Bridge, and Jake throws the ring into the East River to the dismay of a low-level drug dealer who hated to see precious metals wasted. The dealer attempted to run in after it; apparently, he thought the two of them would forever regret this fight. They arrest him, and never tell him the ring came from an egg machine in the mall. 

It’s only natural, then, that when he actually pulls out a ring, a real ring he spent months saving for using an actual budget his Long Island cousin put together for him, that she rolls her eyes at him and throws in somewhere in the direction of Scully’s desk. 

"I really wish you hadn’t done that," Jake said, still awkwardly on one knee, holding the ring box. 

"I’ve done that to at least three men," Gina said. "Never accept a first offer."

"Does this mean I should cancel those reservations I made for you two?" Charles asked. 

"Was this— was this supposed to be real?" Amy’s face drained of color, and she winced. 

"Like did I actually want to marry you? Yes. Do I still? I’m a little annoyed right now but yeah, I still think we can make this be a thing," Jake said. 

"Of course!" Amy said, and the two of them kissed, ringless, to the applause of the entire unit.

Hitchcock, of all people, is the one that finds the ring. 


	10. Whipped Cream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An anon requested Jake/Amy, whipped cream. Originally posted [here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/74495648284/jake-amy-whipped-cream/) on January 15, 2014

"It’s a thing," Jake said. "I saw it in a little arthouse piece called  _Airplane Sex Party 4.”_

"Gross, your taste in porn is gross." Amy rolled her eyes. 

"I don’t see how it’s any different than those novels you think we don’t know you read."

"Romance novels aren’t just  _bodice rippers_ anymore. They may be constrained by genre, but not by corsets, necess—”

 "Whoa! Ok, let’s get the focus back to the matter at hand."

"Ha ha," she said, removing his hand so she could focus. "I’ve never really used food in bed."

"I think it’ll be hot." He leaned over and kissed her, softly, then moved to her neck, kissing her every quarter inch. She sighed happily. "Picture it, rubbing you down, covering you with whipped cream, then licking it off." he punctuated that by licking her collarbone slowly, and she had to admit, it was a turn on. Plus, any time his tongue was on her body, things went well for her. 

"Sure. Let’s do this."

He kissed her again, then ran out of the room even faster than he’d ever chased a perp. 

She sat up, taking a moment to finger-comb her hair. She’d never really been one for the sort of slow, soulful sex Jake preferred, but she had to admit, there were some good things in his approach. Like all this talking, which she’d always thought of as time wasted, but was actually returning dividends in the form of better sex. 

Jake came back in, and settled behind her. He pushed all her hair to the side, then started peppering her skin with kisses. She smiled to herself as he shook the can behind her. Then he started spraying her shoulder, and it wasn’t as cold as she expected. It was sort of warm, actually, and then his mouth was on her, hot. She leaned back against him, relishing this. She grabbed a fingerful of whipped cream, feeling very cosmopolitan right now, when she realized—

"This is squeeze cheese! What is wrong with you?"

Jake winced. “Well, I didn’t have whipped cream, and—”

Amy grabbed one of his t-shirts off the floor and used it to wipe down her shoulder. 

"Can I make this up to you?" he asked.

"Probably not." She felt better now. "But you can try."


	11. Baby, Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An anon requested the gang + babies. Originally posted [here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/74651527482/brooklyn-nine-nine-the-gang-babies-maybe-someone/) on January 26, 2014.

"Why would you let Terry leave his kids here?" Amy asked, putting her hands over the ears of Cagney (or maybe Lacey). The girl in question ignored her in favor of her crayons. 

"I didn’t really have a choice in the matter," Jake said, pasting a fake smile on his face. "Have you seen him? He’s massive. If I had an actual tank, I still think he would’ve left."

 "I think we should be proud of him for getting out there again," Charles said. "This case is important."

"Don’t these kids have a mother?" Rosa asked. 

"Maybe that’s where he’s really going. Don’t get laid super often when you have babies. I bet he’s slipping it to her right now while we’re babysitting like a bunch of suckers." Gina patted Lacey (or maybe Cagney) on the head. "And we’re just  _so excited_ to have you both here, in the precinct. Where we work.”

"Yeah, like you’ve helped at all. I asked you to get me graham crackers an hour ago," Amy said. 

"That’s a big task," Gina said. 

"They’re in the kitchen. Which you’ve been to three times since I asked!" Amy huffed. 

"Are you sure you want to give them so much processed white sugar?" Charles asked. "I think fruit would be healthier, maybe some honeycrisp apple slices or some kale."

"Children like candy. If we give them candy, they’ll be happy." Rosa crossed her arms, daring anyone to argue. 

"And sugar-high," Jake said. "I should know, I used to eat Skittles for breakfast."

“ _Used to_  as in yesterday?” Amy asked. 

“ _Used to_  as in shut up.” Jake answered. 

"Why are there tiny people in my precinct?" Holt asked, and Jake flinched. 

"Terry certainly didn’t abandon them here," Jake said. 

"We’ll get them home as soon—" Amy said. 

"They’re adorable," Holt said. He kneeled down next to Amy’s twin. "And what’s your name?"

Lacey looked at him, her wide eyes serious. She took her crayon and smooshed it in her tiny hand, then handed it over to the captain, broken up. She nodded, then selected another crayon to draw with. 

"Of course!" Jake said. "These are Terry’s kids, we give them yogurt."


	12. Apples

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seatunt wanted a drabble about Jake. Originally posted [here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/77657241384/1-for-parks-4-11-14-20-write-a-one-to-three-line/) on Febuary 23, 2014

Jake crunched into the apple, and it was surprisingly tart. He srunched up his face. Charles had been on him to eat fruit lately, and no, fruit snacks didn’t count, but he didn’t tell him how awful actual fruit was. 

"Gross, that sounds gross," Amy said from the other end of the break room table. 

Well, this was an interesting new wrinkle. Jake bit in again, watching Amy shudder at the sound. “You like?” he asked, not bothering to close his mouth. 

"It’s the worst noise," she said, slamming her pen down. 

He bit the apple again. 

"Ugh, what is wrong with you?" She stormed out of the break room. 

"Jake, are you using food as a weapon again?" Charles asked, sippling his frou-frou coffee drink.

"No," Jake said, spitting everything into a napkin and expertly throwing it into the corner trash can. 

Charles shook his head. “What  _is_  wrong with you?” 


	13. Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kasuchi requested coffee. Originally posted [here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/77659995206/heya-id-like-3-11-12-and-20-coffee-boasting/) on February 23, 2014.

"This coffee isn’t terrible," Jake said, tugging on his bullet-proof vest. "Good job, Hitchcock."

"Oh, it wasn’t me, I was taking care of my bunions," Hitchcock said. 

"Not in the lunchroom again?" Rosa asked, a hint of threat behind her words.

Hitchcock winced, then scurried out of the room, still clutching the coffee pot. 

"It tastes like shit anyway," Rosa said, dumping her own cup. "I could make a better cup."

"The idea of you making coffee is hilarious," Jake said. "I wanna watch."

She stomped over to him, issuing a quick punch to the gut. Even through the vest, it  _hurt_. “Don’t speak.”

"Okay," he huffed.


	14. Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Throwingpens requested _Amy Santiago, breakfast_. Originally posted [here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/82961576937/amy-santiago-breakfast/) on April 16, 2014

"And that, sweetpea, is the story of how I got named a ship captain." Gina asked, sticking her fork into Amy’s hashbrowns. "So where do you think he is right now?"

"He who?" Amy asked, waving her fork away.

"Don’t either play dumb or actually be dumb. My former partner-in-crime, your former partner-slash-competition for Holt’s love. Jake."

 

"We weren’t competing."

"I know, he’d already won."

"I wouldn’t know where he is." And hadn’t known for 125 days, not that she was counting. 

Gina helped herself to Amy’s omelette. “I bet he’s head of the drug cartel already. I bet he’s already got three assistants. I bet he’s cut off three fingers, not all on the same guy.”

Amy took a long sip of her coffee, trying to block Gina out. It wasn’t working. 

"I bet’s been part of a standoff already, and he had to shoot someone, but not until he gave an excellent pun—"

"Oh my god,  _shut up_.” Amy slammed her coffee down. “What is wrong with you?”

"What, you think you have the market cornered on worry here? You think you’re the only one who wonders how he’s doing? Charles has been wearing the same black arm band for months now. Rosa has one of his ties in the back corner of her locker that she thinks no one can see. And Holt’s almost made several facial expressions."

"I’m sorry—"

"No, you aren’t, and that’s fine. I never apologize, and it’s make me a more like the lioness I know myself to be. But stop pretending you’re the only one who’s hurting." Gina grabbed Amy’s toast, slathering on orange marmalade with abandon. 

They sat in silence, Gina eating Amy’s food and Amy eating nothing.

"Before he went undercover, he told me he  _liked me_  liked me,” Amy said. “And then he left.”

Gina laughed. “I wondered when he’d figure that out.”

"He told you?"

"I knew. Like I know everything. It’s why they keep offering me your job. And why I took you to breakfast to get you good and mad, so you could admit everything."

"I do feel better," Amy said. "I haven’t yelled at someone since… well, him, probably."

"You just needed to uncork," Gina said. "And I needed a free breakfast."


	15. Spin the Bottle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> blithers requested spin the bottle. Originally posted [here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/86358551349/spin-the-bottle-b99)

"You know, I never played this in high school," Amy said.

"I know I’m shocked," Gina said. 

"I’m just saying." Amy twirled the bottle slowly, pointing it at Rosa, who rolled her eyes, Boyle, who was studying his fingers pretty carefully, at Terry, who was in the corner, pretending he couldn’t see this, at Gina, who was smirking, and finally at Jake, who nodded at her encouragingly.

 "I was the champion at my school," he said. "I don’t want to brag…"

"But you will and it will be lies," Gina said. "Lies and untruths." She pinched Jake’s cheek. "This one didn’t kiss anyone until he was  _sweet sixteen_.”

Jake’s cheeks got just a little red, and he held his beer to his forehead. “Warm night. Has anyone noticed how warm it is?”

"I didn’t kiss anyone until sixteen too," Amy said, only it was more like sweet eighteen if she was being honest, which she felt was optional when surrounded by coworkers. 

Jake smiled at her, for just a little too long. 

"Can we get this over with? I have places to be," Rosa said, and Amy broke eye contact, spinning the bottle softly.

It wasn’t like she was trying to get anyone in particular, but it only went around twice before landing…

On  _Gina_. 

Gina gave a wolf whistle. “I’m going to teach you a thing. Probably a lot of things.”

Amy leaned in….


	16. DC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the "story I haven't written" fic meme, an anon sent me _The whole B99 team goes on a road trip to DC to see Jake get a commendation for his undercover work, and Jake and Amy spend the whole time trying to get two minutes alone together (Jake because he wants to make sure everything is cool after his confession of romantic stylez feelings; Amy because she's broken up with Teddy and wants Jake to know this) and they are continually thwarted. Rated Hard R._. 
> 
> Originally posted [here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/87504920239/the-whole-b99-team-goes-on-a-road-trip-to-dc-to-see)

She cut off his words with her mouth like she’s a character on her Nana’s telenovelas, because time is of the essence here. She half-expected Boyle to rip open the door, looking to take more pictures with Jake, or Gina to come flouncing in to announce she  _knew_  this was going to happen, or Rosa, looking to hide from Terry for obvious reasons. 

Only, no one came bursting through the door. 

"Is this ok?" Jake asked, and she nodded before he kissed her back, hot and a little wet and with just the right amount of pressure. She nodded, practically clawing at the back of his neck to pull him closer. 

She went for his shirt next, pulling at his uniform without the care it deserved, taking only a moment to caress the newest medal. She had seen him shirtless before (things were pretty wild under their former captain) but this was the first time she really could  _look,_ could run her fingers through the wiry hairs on his chest and feel the muscles in his arms and think,  _mine._

"Is this ok?" he asked, a finger hooked in her waistband, and she impatiently pulled her shirt over her head in one fluid motion. She felt pretty proud of that move, as she was almost certain it would never happen that way again, but then, she was also certain she’d never hook up with her colleague in a closet at his award ceremony. Maybe it was that thrill that made everything electric, since she knew this was breaking all the rules.

Her bra came from a box, but his eyes still went wide at the sight of her, and his tentative touch would’ve been cute if she hadn’t had so much need. She grabbed his hand and made him squeeze, and when he ran his fingers along the band she just took it off rather than have him ask. 

He went for the pants next, asking “Is this—” before she cut him off. 

"Yes, it’s ok, it’s all ok," she said. "Nothing too weird." 

He smiled. “I just wanted to be sure.”

"Right." She’d never thought he’d be so concerned, always pictured him more a guy who tore off shirts the way the heroes in the pre-80s romance novels did. Not that she’d ever pictured him doing this before, of course.

"I had a lot of down time," he said. "Read a lot of Jezebel articles on consent. Hey, did you know that the lawmakers are going after abortion—"

"Not the time," she gasped, as he stuck two wet fingers inside her. His thumb grazed her clit gently, and she grabbed his hand again, pushed it closer to her so he’d give her the pressure she needed. Her pants were halfway down her thighs and they were surrounded by cleaning supplies, but he still knelt down in front of her.

This time, he wasn’t gentle. He approached oral sex like it was his last chance before prison, like he was trying to imprint on her. He kept those two fingers pumping, twisting his hands in a way that was probably going to give him carpal tunnel. 

She threaded one hand through his hair and used the other for balance, grasping a shelf to keep from falling apart.

She was just about cresting, really pressing up against him trying to wretch that orgasm from his mouth when— she accidentally tore down the shelf, and with it came a dozen spray bottles, half of them landing in a bucket of (please, please) clean mop water. 

The door swung open, and Jake somehow had the presence of mind to get up immediately, shielding as much of Amy’s body as possible. She franticly pulled up her pants and looked around for their missing shirts and her bra before just covering herself as best she could with her arms. 

It was Gina. 

And she was  _cackling_. ”I just want you to know that I predicted this,” she said. “I wrote about this.”

"Wrote about it?" Jake asked.

"Nothing weird. Just like a fictional account of the two of you hooking up."

"You did  _what_?” Amy hissed. 

Gina, in her most sincere voice, said, “I just want you to know that I didn’t masturbate while writing it.”


	17. Seeing Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> htbthomas requested _Amy, seeing red[here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/90991119099/b99-amy-seeing-red)_

"Your bedroom looks like a bordello," Amy said, trying to take it all in.

"And your bedroom looks like you’re eighty years young," Gina answered.

 

"I’ve never let you into my—"

"Doesn’t matter. Anyway, I like it." Gina grabbed her hand, pulling her over towards the bed. "Feel that red silk-like material. Wallow in your shame that your bed doesn’t vibrate."

"I’m afraid to even ask."

"I was afraid you never would."

Amy wasn’t exactly sure what why someone would want their whole bed to buzz, but she had to admit, once Gina pushed her on the bed, that maybe it was pretty cool. It was like a massage for her entire body. 

"I know you’ve been having sexual problems with Teddy."

"Not true," Amy protested. 

"And I know how to help," Gina said, resting a hand on Amy’s hip. 

She realized Gina was probably going to kiss her, even though she was straight, even though she had a boyfriend, even though she was almost 77% sure, maybe, that Gina was straight. 

But— maybe two drinks in, on a vibrating bed, it wouldn’t hurt to see, just to see, what it was like. 

She leaned in. 

"Let’s go shopping!" Gina said, popping off the bed. "You can get red sheets too."

Amy joined her a minute later, not  _disappointed,_  exactly. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> myparade requested _for the 3 sentence meme, jake/amy + baby_ [here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/95041313274/for-the-3-sentence-meme-jake-amy-baby-sry-i-cant)

"Stop looking at me," Amy said, brushing the hair off the baby’s forehead. "What, you think it’s funny because I’m not a kid person?"

"I definitely don’t think it’s funny," Jake said, his voice hoarse and his eyes still on her. 


	19. balloons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kasuchi requested Gina/Boyle [here](http://diaphenia.tumblr.com/post/99662850871/trick-or-treat-gina-boyle-if-i-havent-submitted-this) for trick or treat 2014

“Happy birthday Gina,” Amy said, looking almost sincere for someone who was mostly robot. “Is that why you’re wearing a tiara?”

Gina laughed. It was her regular Thursday tiara, obviously.

Amy winced. “It’s cool. Maybe I’ll get one.”

Gina leaned in. “My birthday present to you, nay, to  _both of us_  is that I’m going to relieve you from having to make small talk.”

"Oh thank god, thank you," she said before scurrying away, like a squirrel looking for her chestnut.

Gina felt a tap on her shoulder. “You Gina Linetti?” a man asked from behind a hundred balloons. 

"Depends who is asking."

"Delivery," he said, handing her the balloons. 

She smiled. Clearly one of her many admirers.

"Gina," Charles said, startling her so much she almost let her balloons float away. "You got my present."

"Charles," she hissed. "We have one rule."

"You rule about always going  _downtown_  before I even remove my pants?”

"Two rules, then, and the first one is that you don’t send me presents or act like this is some— I can’t even say it."

"Relationship?"

"Ex-nay on the elationship-ray."

He smiled. “This isn’t about anything other than your birthday. What do you like more than anything else in the world?”

"The full moon."

"And attention. And if you’re running around this city with fifty-six balloons on your way to the three bars you’re celebrating at—"

"Six bars, one tavern, and a Thai restaurant/karaoke house." 

"Absolutely everyone will be looking at you."

She got a little giddy at the thought. 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Makeout (After the Stakeout Remix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4229886) by [htbthomas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/htbthomas/pseuds/htbthomas)




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